Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize