i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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