Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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