when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
