While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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