Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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