Swine flu. Run for my life!
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
