Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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