In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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