God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
