i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
