If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
