i jhust puked up my retainher.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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