i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
