went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
