Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
