i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
