I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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