I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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