This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
