my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
