Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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