I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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