Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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