My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
