she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
