my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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