your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
