my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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