just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
