1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
