i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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