??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
