Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
