I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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