This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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