Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
tonight lets celebrate not being married
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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