at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
