new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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