I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
