I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
