So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
