6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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