Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
