Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
