If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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