So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
