I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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