Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
