you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
