Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
