I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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