theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
