you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
