Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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