You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
