.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
