Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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