Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
